Happy F-ing Birthday

First Published in "Random Thoughts" on 12/31/2005

"So you say it's your birthday. It's my birthday to yeah. You say it's your birthday. Happy birthday to ya!"

So here it is my 30th birthday. A milestone from which I thought I'd be reflecting upon my accomplishments thus far. However, this is not the case. I seem to be living my life on a yo yo of bad decisions. There seems to be some fatal flaw in my thought process. I don't know what it is exactly but I think I have narrowed in on it through some deep introspective. I lack the necessary drive, motivation, persistence, perseverance,and discipline to be successful. Discipline and motivation are the big ones! Motivation is the easiest of the two. Discipline is my biggest weakness in life. I've never had any. I was never taught, never given an example. Now here I am just figuring out that it's a problem and having to implement it of my own volition.
The thing is, I know how to be successful, in theory. I have the knowledge of the steps necessary. I simply need to find my motivation and start employing some discipline into my life.
I think my biggest problem with motivation has been my lack of interest in any professions. My serious dismay with our societies emphasis on "proud" careers has been a very big hindrance in this area, see "Definition By Career". However, as of late I've come to the thought process that the job itself is irrelevant. It's the capacity it gives you for a full and happy life outside of the job which is the important thing. Having finally come to this conclusion I think I'll be able to apply some motivation as well as some discipline and get on with my life.
Finding myself at this crossroads at this point of my life is frustrating. I don't have a job, I don't have my own place, and I don't have my own money, even, right now. It is very difficult to be in a relationship when your life is not in order. At this point of my life I find myself wanting a relationship. Steady and stable. No more young girls, no more games. It was fun, but now I find myself craving maturity in a woman. I have potential prospects, but how do I propose to start any type of healthy relationship from the place I'm in?

Indeed. I must apply myself. I must discipline myself. I must motivate myself. I MUST dig myself out from this hole I've stumbled into.
I need a plan. I need goals! Specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time bound goals.
I must get to work, I MUST persevere!

- Patrick